Matthew 1968-1970: A Haibun

originally published in Contemporary Haibun Online

The brother is five and in kindergarten, and by the next morning Matt is gone with no chance for the brother to say, "Thanks for hanging out with me, little brother," or "Catch you later." Just gone like the summer or the circus or lost change. And his father tells him Matt is gone to be with Jesus and he loves him as he carries him from his grandparents back to his house where his mother tells neighbors none of it seems real. He hears cats underneath the house that day, crying in that moaning, chilling way wild cats do, and he thinks it is a baby crying, and he thinks they have hidden Matt somewhere in the back of the house. His friend's parents bring him a giant box of crayons, and he goes outside.

swing set abandoned
wind driven motion
creaking without child


The brother is forty, and he finds Matt in a dream. They stand on a grassy field underneath an oak tree, and they are face to face. Matt is in his late thirties with his hand on the tree, and he is leaning in so much like their father with his round face and full pouting lips, smiling at the corner.

oak tree summer breeze
wind driven motion
creaking without child

The brother apologizes then--in words as cheap and hollow sounding as pennies falling in the washing machine-- apologizes for living, confessing his guilt of survival to Matt as they stand, two adult men, one living, one dead. He will never forget what Matt says to him. "Why are you sorry for me? For over thirty years I have been in the presence of God. What have you done in the last thirty years?"

oak tree summer breeze
wind driven motion
creaking lullaby

A Note to Badger's Parents With Enclosed Check

We are sorry that our dog slipped away from our daughter.
We are sorry that our dog is a better fighter than yours.
We are sorry about the damage done to your dog whom you love as a child.

But most of all
we are sorry that at the end of the night you have nothing more to love
than a dog.
We are sorry that you can't be loved by a little girl who feels guilty about letting a dog escape her
and who wants nothing more than to curl up between her parents
not at the foot of the bed.

Regards,

Fred's Owners

Titles

When the band Ocean is Theory put out its first CD, Into the Mouths of Lions, Nick Novak, one of the band, told me that the title was taken from a line I said in class when he took Psychology from me. I was honored. Since the first poem "Out of the Mouths of Babes, Into the Mouths of Lions," leaves the speaker upset and angry with a postmodern world, I felt the title was appropriate. The speaker is young and feels thrown to the lions. In the second poem the speaker sees the sovereignty of Christ, the Lion of Judah, so I felt as if the words of Christ had inspired the speaker so "Out of the Mouths of Lions, into the Mouths of Babes" seemed to fit perfectly. Thanks for asking.

Puzzle

Have you ever questioned--
a game show host waiting for buzzer--
destiny
or whatever drives us
the engine in the old pickup truck
coughing asthmatically

Have you ever wondered--
beatnik traveling searching yage--
if the sides were clearly defined
or stood rejected in PE
socks askew and shorts dreadfully too long

Have you ever feared--
blank page glowing white traffic sign--
inevitability
or walking on the beach by the ocean
shaking unfinished?

Privacy

This is a private conversation
my Maker and me.
Please step back out and shut the door.
When He is finished
the door will open
and you may have your time with either of us you choose.
But for now, I have things which would embarrass me if you knew,
but, oddly, seem just fine for someone like the Creative Director of All to know.

Perhaps my revelation
depends on His expectations,
and since He knows I am nothing but pretense,
sharing with Him feels natural.